Taking the drama out of drama

Remember when drama was just an elective you could take in high school?  Now, it’s become oh so much more.

I miss the days when drama just meant Shakespeare, or Terms of Endearment.  Now, it’s everywhere.  It’s intrusive!  Stop the drama!

Whew.  That statement might stir up some drama.  “How could she say that?”  “Oh please, she’s the biggest drama queen around.”  “What should I have for dinner?”  Ok, maybe not the last one, but you know what I mean.  Interpersonal drama.

Next time someone tells me they have too much drama in their life, I may create more of it and collapse to the ground, requiring handsome paramedics to arrive and comfort me.  Medical drama.   

But then, I would have to incur a huge ambulance bill; we wouldn’t be able to pay it, and would go into debt.  Finanicial drama.  Dan would get mad, might give me the cold shoulder.  Relationship drama.

Then of course I would have to vent to my friends that Dan was being unreasonable.  They would get sick of hearing me complain and shut me off.  More Interpersonal drama.

So I would call my parents and spout off to them about Dan.  They don’t want to hear it either because they have their own stuff to worry about and I’m a 40 year old woman, figure it out for yourself!  Family drama.

My work may decide that since I collapsed to the floor I’m not fit to work for them and fire me.  Work drama.

When I get home the cat may throw up and start to get sick.  He may need me to hand feed him.  Cat drama.

The Keurig is running slow, but we can’t afford to replace it because I collapsed to the ground about someone else’s drama, lost my job, and we’re in ambulance debt.  Coffee drama.

The Internet may flake out when I’m trying to send out resumes.  Printer drama.  This company only accepts snail mail resumes.  OUCH!  Papercut drama.

Maybe a little bit of overkill here, but I think you see what I’m getting at.  Drama can produced any where by any one.  The best way not to let it get to you, is don’t feed it.  Like anything else, it will be starved for attention, and then die.  Life can go on at a semi-normal pace then. 

I’ve had it with the drama of drama.

 

Early morning ponderings

Woke up at 3 this morning for no particular reason.  Spent some time in that weird place between being asleep and being awake where the most peculiar of thoughts tend to go through my mind. 

“Why don’t we have a King size bed?  We’re too big for this bed.

Did I leave a sandwich in the fridge?  I don’t remember eating it.

Did the dryer just go off?

Is that Dan’s leg touching me or a snake?  This bed is too small.

I think I have to pee, but I also think I can hold it.  What if I can’t?

Am I sleeping on the cat?

I think my glasses are dirty.  I need to clean them.”

Weird, right?  But that’s the stuff that goes through my mind at 3 in the morning, all the mundane stuff that doesn’t have any place to be in the waking hours.  When I actually did wake up this morning, the cat and his freaky eye (he has some sort of eye infection, vet gave us some ointment.  You ever try to get ointment into a cat’s eye?  Lots of fun) were staring at me.  At first I thought he was a zombie, then I realized I’ve been watching too much Walking Dead and just gave him a pet on the head, which he loves. 

I didn’t remember those weird random 3 am thoughts at first, but as i got my breakfast, I thought about the dryer, and the sandwich and wondering, “Where the hell did those come from?” 

Such is life though, I love the randomness of it all.

 

Snow days

As I cleaned my car off this morning for the umpteenth time this year, I did what I normally do…wondered why the hell we live in New Hampshire.  As I’m cursing the snow under my breath, getting in the car and taking off for work, I was still wondering why.  Then I looked up and saw the trees coated in ice and snow and they really did look beautiful. 

Why do I live here?  My roots are here, my family.  I often think about moving South or West, to somewhere warmer.  But I would miss New England too much.  I would miss the Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins, and Celtics.  I would miss complaining about the weather.  I would miss my family and friends.  I could make new friends elsewhere I am sure, but it wouldn’t be the same.  I would miss the snow clinging to the trees, especially at this time of year when Spring continues to just be a promise and Winter tries to hang on with all it has. 

So I may complain about the weather, but I’m from New England.  That’s what we do.

Wisdom from all sorts of places

“Saying goodbye, why is it sad?  Makes us remember the good times we’ve had.  Much more to say, foolish to try, it’s time for saying goodbye.” 

Ah, the Muppets.  Those little sock puppets of wisdom.  Endings, much like beginnings, are a part of life, and a part that no one particularly likes.  However, sometimes, endings are necessary not only for our own sense of well-being, but because things have run their course.

We all know the song.  “A time to be born, a time to die.  A time to plant, and a time to reap.  A time to kill, and a time to heal.  A time to laugh, and a time to weep.”  What I didn’t know until recently is that those lyrics come from the Bible, Ecclesiates.  How true these words are.  Life is ever changing, and we have to change with it.  Some things are within our control, others aren’t, but it’s being fluid enough to go with it  that will keep us sane.  No one likes to think about death, either their own or of that a loved one, but we will all face it, that’s the undeniable truth. 

What about the smaller losses we all face?  Loss of marriage, job, house, money, friendship, keys.  Ok, the last one is thrown in there for measure. Sometimes loss is necessary, to prune away things that aren’t working, or haven’t worked no matter how hard you’ve tried.  And it’s ok.  Change is the ever constant we all have, and we need it.  If nothing changed, how boring would that be?

Again I turn to the Muppets, who seem to have wisdom far beyond their furry faces. 

“Somehow I know, we’ll meet again.  Not sure quite where, and I don’t know just when.  You’re in my heart, so until then, it’s time for saying good-bye.”

When all is said and done.

My husband and I are in the uneviable position of deciding how to best care for our cat of eight years.  We adopted him from a local shelter in 2005 and he’s been our constant companion ever since.  He was a little rough around the edges when we got him, but he’s grown to be quite the lap cat.  We have more pictures of him than we do of eachother. 

Back in September we brought him to the vet because he was losing weight.  They didn’t find anything wrong and sent us home.  In January I brought him back because he looked like he had lost more weight, and his energy level just wasn’t where it was.  He had in fact lost a lot of weight, and blook work showed the early stages of kidney failure.  We bought him some special food and brought him home.  The vet said all we could really do is keep him comfortable.  No one was able to give us a time frame for anything.

He ate the special food (with some fish oil on it for good measure) and seemed to be doing better.  Now, he’s back to being very slow, droopy, and just looks miserable. 

It’s amazing how much this little cat has touched our lives.  When I see him now looking so miserable (if you have to ask how an animal can look miserable, stop reading right now) I don’t know what the best course of action is for him.

A few years ago the vet told us his teeth needed to be cleaned and there were a few that needed to be extracted.  We paid for him to go through that, not once, but twice.  We brought him to the cat cardiologist.  I hand fed him after the surgery.  He slept beside me and didn’t want to leave my side.  My husband said the cat thought he was broken and I would fix him. 

When all is said and done, he is a member of our family.  We’re trying to decide the next right thing for him, and if the vet feels there is not much more we can do for him, how do we let go?  The guilt I feel about not doing more for him weighs more than what my wallet can afford, but how do we put a price on how much he means to us? 

We’ll do what’s best for him, as we’ve always done. 

The Sugar Battle

Last year I went from being borderline diabetic to bing bang boom full diabetic.  Since then, it has been a constant struggle to keep my blood sugar in a normal range.

If you know me, you know I’m not a petite girl.  I used to be, long ago in a galaxy far away, but these days, no. 

My doctor loves to tell me, get out there and walk.  So I’ve been trying.  I throw on the iPod and get on the treadmill and walk.  It’s not the fastest walking, but it’s consistent.  And sure enough, my blood sugar was doing better.  I went a couple of days without walking and it’s back up.

I hate admitting my doctor is right.  I know he is, but admitting he is irritates me. I am no good at this monitoring my blood sugar stuff, but I know I need to be.  I’ve coasted along for so many years and took my health for granted that I am angry with myself. 

WIll I walk today?  I’ll check the Magic 8 Ball and see what it says, but I’m going to try!

Introversion

I would go to a support group for introverts, but damned if I can find one.  Little joke.  Very little, I know.

As I get older, I’m becoming more accepting of the fact that I am an introvert.  I’m reading a book called “Quiet” which is all about introvert vs. extrovert.  I say that like it’s a battle royale, but the two compliment each other more than anything. 

My idea of a perfect night is staying home with a book, the bed, and the cat (oh and Dan) and just enjoying the quiet.  In my 20s, I tried to be more extroverted, but it was a suit that just didn’t fit me.  It’s amazing what a little self-awareness can do to change a life.

I no longer feel I need to make excuses if I don’t want to go out.  As silly as this may sound, I was never comfortable saying “no” because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.  The only person I ended up disappointing was myself. 

I don’t need to be the center of attention, and more so, I don’t want to be the center of attention.  Ah, but I write this blog, so clearly I’m looking for some sort of attention, right?  Read it or don’t, it is up to you.  It’s for me to get out how I feel and what’s on my mind more than how much it entertains.  It’s not really meant to entertain, it’s a cathartic experience for me.

Like I said in an earlier post, I used to love writing, and I’ve been missing it.  I write the occassional weird poem meant to poke fun at something, and I’ve been known to write some wicked haiku, but I miss the art of writing “for real.”  I used to think I had a book inside me, then somewhere along the line, that thought faded away.  I became more preoccupied with making sure the car payment was made rather than writing for myself.  I’m glad I’m back.

 

Decisions, Decisions…

Someone asked me yesterday, “Why did you decide not to have kids?”  This wasn’t someone I could explain the whole answer to, but the question got to me.  I think I know why.  If you don’t want details, don’t read any further.

We did not “decide” not to have kids.  Back in 2004 we talked about it and after having tried for a year, decided it was time to seek outside help.  We went down to Brigham and Women’s and met with a fertility specialist and felt hopeful that he would be able to help.  Every morning after that I drove down to Boston from Derry to have blood drawn and an ultrasound done.  I took medication that was supposed to help me ovulate.  It made me pass out at work one day.  We switched to shots and I gave myself shots three times a day while continuing to drive to Boston every morning. 

Then the doctor decided to do a test that involved shooting dye into my tubes to make sure they were open.  I was assured it was not a big deal and that it wouldn’t hurt.  It hurt like hell and I remember going home with Dan, crying in the car because it hurt so much.

After two months of this, we were finally at a good point, and the doctor gave Dan the go-ahead to give me the big shot in my behind.  He was nervous of course and that hurt way more than it had to.  Then I drove down to Boston the next day, Dan having been the day before to provide his contribution, and the doctor did the Intra-uterine insemination.  He told me as he was in the process of doing it, not to keep my hopes up because it normally doesn’t work on the first try.  It was all I could do not to cry in the room with him. 

A week later, we knew it hadn’t worked.  I remember looking at Dan and telling him I didn’t think I could go through this again.  The hormone shots were causing my moods to become erratic, I didn’t want to undergo more testing and put myself through that again.  After a lot of discussion, we both agreed this was not the course for us right now, and we would give it a break.  The thought that we could resume when we decided it was right was ever present and gave me some hope.

After that, whenever I would have my time of the month (which was never regular) it was a horror show.  I went to my OB/GYN and she recommended a cryo-ablation which would take care of the “plague” as I came to call it.  But, it would almost assuredly mean no children.  After a lot of talking with Dan, I did it because the alternative was too much for the both of us. 

It was not successful.  There was a complication, and in the end, a hysterectomy was really my only option.  That decision was the hardest I’ve ever had to make. 

Why do I write all this, and isn’t this awfully personal for just a blog?  It probably is.  But I wanted to get it out there that not having children, for me, was not a decision I made.  It was not something I took lightly, and is something I wonder about every day.  Should I have done the more invasive procedure, or was I being selfish?  What should I have done differently?  These are questions that haunt me as I get older. 

All it takes is one person to ask me why I didn’t “decide” to have kids and it all comes flooding back to me.  I’ve come to terms with everything, more or less, and am happy with my life and where it is, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t wonder “what if?”   

 

 

The A-Z of me

With apologies to Karen Goltz…you stole it, and I’m stealing it from you!

Age:  40.  I still can’t believe it.

Bed size:  Queen.  We need a King though since neither Dan or I are small people.  Throw the cat in there and it’s a disaster.

Chore you hate:  Dishes!  I can’t stand them.

Dogs:  I had a puppy when I was a kid, Benji.  But, my dad stepped in his poop one too many times and off Benji went.  I’m a cat person anyway.

Essential start to my day:  Brushing my teeth.  This sounds like a no-brainer, and I could easily have said coffee too…but I can live without coffee.  I can’t deal with bed mouth.

Favorite color:  Blue

Gold or silver:  I’m a gold girl, but lately I’ve been wearing silver too.

House or apartment:  Condo, which isn’t listed, but I didn’t want to write “none of the above” and have people texting me to ask if I’m homeless.

Instruments played:  Yeah, right.  I played clarinet briefly as a kid and learned “Mary had a little lamb.”  I can sing a little, nothing that I would go on American Idol and shame my family for, but I can carry a tune.

Job Title:  Clinical Mental Health Counselor.  That’s right, I’m allowed to try and help people.  Be afraid.

Kids:  None. 

Live:  In the great state of New Hampshire.  “Live Free or Die.”

Married:  Second marriage.  First was to a Brit when I was too young.  Married to Dan now going on 13 years this July.  The poor guy.

Never again:  I will never do something that goes against who I am as a person in order to keep a job.  I tried that years ago, it didn’t work and actually backfired, so I’ll never again try to conform to what someone else thinks I should be.

Pet peeve:  When people try to convince me that their way is the “right” way.  You’re not going to convince me, just like I’m not going to convince you to see things my way.  Agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Quote:  Hmm…I’m ashamed to say this since I was an English major in my undergraduate work, but my quote is from Family Guy.  “There’s something wrong with the house!  I don’t like change!” – Stewie

Righty or lefty:  I’m a righty, but I can do most stuff with my left hand too.  I’m definitely cross dominate because when I go shooting, I shoot much better lefty.

Siblings:  Zero.  Please never ask me what it was like to grow up without brothers or sisters, I have no idea.  I can’t relate to that question, and feel like an idiot trying to answer it.

Time you wake up:  Most days it’s 7:30.

University attended:  Let’s see…UMass Boston, UMass Amherst, back to UMass Boston for undergrad.  Southern New Hampshire University for my Master’s.

Veggies you dislike:  I’m with the other Karen on this one…mushrooms are icky.

What makes you run late:  I never run late, it’s a compulsion that I have to be early.  Dan sometimes makes me run late though.

X-rays:  I’m not really sure what this means other than trying to find something for X.  I’ve had them, nothing recently thank God.

Yum food:  Nutter Butters.  I love those stupid things.

Zoo animal favorite:  Tiger.  They move with such grace, and I trip over my own feet.

 

Baby, it’s cold outside!

“Cold enough for you?”

Ah, the mantra of New Englanders at this time of year.  We were spoiled last year with mild temperatures and little snow.  Now that the weather has woken up and remembered it’s January, we’re feeling her wrath with these artic temperatures.  My car read 0 degrees this morning.  That’s just obscene.

I don’t mind the cold really.  Throw the flannel sheets on the bed and it’s pretty cozy.  Dante the wonder cat has been sleeping under the covers with me to keep warm, and as simple as that sounds, it’s wonderful.

Come July, we’ll all be complaining about the heat, so there really is no pleasing us.  We’re a group of complainers around these parts when it comes to the weather.  Considering we have no control over it, may as well just roll with it. 

My random 3 a.m. thought this morning was, oddly, “I wonder if it’s snowing.”  Even in sleep, the weather is ever present.  If you think about it though, it really is.  People blame it for their mood, or credit it (more often blame it I’ve found), they love it or hate it, they wish it would be something else, or they wish it would never change.  No wonder we find it hard to make changes in our lives, we can’t even accept the weather for what it is!

Stay warm!

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